The Essential Need To Be

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The Essential Need To Be

by Steven Sisler

I want to establish a framework surrounding the idea of being human, human need, human wants and what it means to be ourselves. This piece is an excerpt from my upcoming book; “Simple Human Observations: the four personality types and what drives them.” We will uncover, discover, and hopefully recover many of the nuances associated with human behavior, but not until we define what it is to be a human within your own social circle and in-group (we all have one). To begin with there are three important aspects about being human:

1. We are not alone.
2. We travel in packs (families and social groups).
3. Our behavioral decisions always include the fact that we live in community and will always directly or indirectly reflect this shared existence in their outcome.

Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde was an Irish playwright, author, and poet. Known for his satirical wit and a variety of adages, he became one of the most successful playwrights of the late Victorian era in London, and one of the greatest celebrities of his day. Wilde once said, “Be yourself, because everyone else is already taken.” This phrase probably speaks to all of us on some level. If you take a moment to think about it, you’ll come away wishing it were that easy, but we all know it isn’t. It is our differences that drive us within this community model. If you were the only human being on earth your behavior would not be what it is today. Every decision you make and every behavioral action you perform will instinctively take into consideration the other humans around you beginning with immediate family members and then extending beyond that circle into the community at large then ultimately the culture. I want to begin this chapter with a few questions before getting into the meat of the book. The questions are simple, yet profound. The first question I want you to process is this; how comfortable are you with yourself? And second, do you see yourself as a human being content with who you are right now, or are you more like a human doing—attempting to reestablish yourself in the your current world, which includes family, friends, local acquaintances, peers, and your community at large? You might be pondering the difference between the two or maybe why I am asking the questions at all. It’s a simple answer really, and although it carries with it some profound implications, I believe the differences between doing and being in relationship to our humanness can be summed up in one word: contentment. The dissimilarity between a human being and a human doing is, literally, an intense personal satisfaction that reaches a level of personal serenity. I like to say it this way: human beings are content—satisfied with who they are, as they are, where they are. Human beings have no illusions about whether or not others accept them or whether or not they perform up to the expectations of their peers. Human doings, on the other hand, are not in this same position—they can only long for it. Usually unsatisfied with the way they feel about themselves inside, they live a life of constant self-help and radical insecurity masked by the walls of an Eros prison (a performance prison run by the warden of others expectations) of performance. Human beings are distinctive in that they are free to explore their talents, their spirituality, their intelligence, and many other areas of their being—they’re fluid. They unfold over time without the unreasonably hard lines and inconvenient boundaries we sometimes place on ourselves through social rules, workplace rubrics, religious traditions, insecurity, and need-based relationship experiments. All this will be reflected through our behavior and communication styles. On the other hand, human doings are fastened to life’s stage as static performers—overly concerned about others opinions about who they are, what they do, or their fear of displeasing the gods. They lack the fluidity and freedom to explore the boundaries of who they are in their present condition because they don’t see themselves as good enough. Everything they do is an attempt to reposition themselves before other humans or better their chances of acceptance within a community or group. Everything we do, everything we think, everything we say, and everything we believe, is in-discernibly attached to the energy coming from other human beings creating a giant cosmic coliseum as it were, where our actions and reactions to others play out in an amazing display of human interaction upon the showground of life. I want to define contentment in a way that might surprise you. Contentment is when one is completely comfortable to know nothing, do nothing, and to be known for absolutely nothing. It’s what I call the death that counts. It’s when we finally have that long awaited funeral for everything that once defined us (or presently defines us) and made us feel important, useful, or worthy of existence or being loved. It’s an intentional suicide of the soul-self that wore out its welcome for the last time. Moreover, suicides, homicides, pesticides, and genocides, all have one thing in common—they’re all associated with cessation of life. The common thread in all these terms is what I call the “cide” effect. This is why decision-making is really about deciding (de-cide-ing) or killing off the objects and stuffs in our lives that are harmful to the self, hateful towards others, hideous to both, and a hindrance to our future. Decisions are meant to do away with the harmful belongings we carry with us while harnessing the healthiness available to us. The death that counts is a decision. It’s when we de-cide (undoing what causes potentially noxious outcomes) to stop the madness that accompanies competitive living, trumping, and both public and private performance initiatives aimed at others, ourselves and our perception of the universe. It’s a surrendering to the world at large and a “giving up” on having to prove we matter. It’s when we sit up and say our final goodbyes to our self-image and the illusions we’ve created around this image in an attempt to impress others and ourselves and to be okay (I’m ok you’re ok) with ourselves. Whether it is our job or the college degree we worked so hard to get or our new exciting girlfriend or boyfriend, whatever personal worth we’ve been attaching to these personal trophies is now and forever deceased—intentionally buried by the safe-self overseeing the death that counts. It’s when we finally close the chapter on everything that once shaped our identity and brought definition, meaning, and clarity to our lives: what we do, what we imagine others think about what we do, our titles, our gifts, our talents—all of it. All is buried beneath the need to appear whole and sophisticated (from sophist) among our peers. Contentment is all about letting go of the need to perform or to be recognized for that performance. It’s taking the Nest-Tea plunge into the beauty of who we are as we are in this present moment while nobody is paying attention to it and then caring less if they do. That’s all it is. I know it’s a tall order, but being utterly content with who we are, where we are, as we are, and why we are, with no need to perform for others or to extrapolate other people’s opinions about something we might have accomplished, is life altering. Are you undeniably content?

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Blog contributing writer, Steven Sisler, is a behavioral profiler and lead Behavioral Analyst at The Behavioral Resource Group. His behavioral consultation involves personality difference, leadership strategy, cultural difference, spiritual growth, and temperament strategy. Working with clients in more than 18 nations, Steve gathers behavioral and attitudinal information on individuals within corporate and personal settings and develops strategies for effective leadership, teamwork, and entrepreneurial success.
Steve lectures on subjects such as Communication, The Emotional Framework, The Power of Imperfection, Post-Modern Influence, Attitudes & Values, Spiritual Difference, Leadership & Self-Understanding, Behavioral Language, Personality Difference, and the Maven Way of Management.